Granny Perturbed

All right, Children. It's time to talk about the Express Lane.

Here's what "20 items or less, speedy checkout" does NOT mean:

1.) Waiting in line, picking your nose, while holding your checkbook, only to start filling the damn thing out AFTER you get your total, digging in your purse for a pen, then writing so-o-o slowly, and finally balancing your account with the $3.67 you just spent on a pack of Camel no filters.

2.) Aw hell. Using your checkbook PERIOD in the express lane.

3.) Getting into line with your chica and having five separate orders each so you can pay with food stamps for each order ... Welfare, WiC, food stamps are all ok - abusing them is NOT ok.

4.) Putting 40 items on the belt and thinking that I don't notice.

5.) Sending your kid back for the gallon of milk that you forgot, making the rest of us wait. Get your lazy ass out of line, go get it, re-queue, and suck it up.

6.) Counting out exact change - if you want to give the gal eighty-six cents, in the REGULAR lane, go for it.

7.) Returning something, exchanging something, buying a money order, or anything that you KNOW will require a manager. Get thee to Customer Service.

8.) Moving slowly. Seriously, ma'am, I know you're so old you owe Christ a quarter, and technically you do have fewer than twenty items, but PLEASE go to the regular lane. Don't make the rest of us wait behind you while you excruciatingly slowly lay your cans of cat food and boxes of Depends on the belt, then dig out your little change purse, count out eighty-six cents, write a check for the rest, buy a money order, ask for a price check on the Fancy Feast, and then shuffle your way out the door.

Here's what "20 items or less, speedy checkout" DOES mean:

We've got shit to do. Get the hell out of the way.