I'm selfish.

I wish my family read my blog.

I think only Mom reads my blog.

It sucks to be going through such a hard time and people who I'm related to don't read it. I guess if I knew that someone I'm related to blogged, I'd make sure to bookmark it and read it. I put it in my signature of my emails, I don't know what else I can do.

Or maybe people are reading it, but have too much other stuff going on, so they don't care or don't have time to send a kind word?

I don't know.

It bums me out.

Thank you for your kind words when I post that I'm going through a hard patch, Mom. It means a lot.

Health update

So my OB prescribed Zoloft for PPD. Yay, right? I was finally going to get some assistance for feeling so sad and tired and down all the time. That same day, she drew some blood to check my thyroid. I've been diagnosed hypothyroid since Jan 06 but have been on medication to control it since then.

So normal range for thyroid hormones is .03 to 3; mine was 9.67. Three times the normal range. No wonder I've been so frickin' tired all the time!

On Friday last week, they doubled my levothyroxine (medication) and it's supposed to help. Unfortunately, it takes about 2 weeks for it to kick in. In the meantime, I'm stuck with the exhaustion - so deep it's like my bones ache.

So I stopped taking the Zoloft before it even kicked in. I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not. I don't know anything any more. My doctor's office only returns calls about 25% of the time. Jon told me to stop the Zoloft so I did. The nightmares continue and I don't get much sleep.

I'm sorry that I haven't posted more. I've been so tired that it's all I can do to feed the husband and the child and then drag off to bed myself. I'm hoping that it'll get better soon.

I am struggling.

I'm not posting this because I want sympathy, or because I want people to call me and tell me that everything will be ok. I know that it will - I just need to vent and wallow.

I think I may have some mild PPD going on.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a bad chest cold. Ian had it too and it was a rough couple of weeks. I haven't felt rested since then. I sleep and sleep, and I'm still tired.

Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, Ian woke me up at 3:30 am. Because he's been taking antibiotics, the pooping has been out. of. control. So I had to get up and change him; then he decided that he needed to be fed OMGZ RIGHT NAO!!!1! I gave him 2 oz of formula and got him back to bed. I went back to bed myself, only to lie awake for at least an hour before finally falling back asleep - to be woken up by the alarm an hour later.

Then when I got home, I was trying to make dinner while Jon entertained the D&D gang. Ian wouldn't stop crying, and I needed to pump and shower. The "30 Minute Meal" (my ass!) wasn't going like it should, and I jumped in the shower really quick while it was baking. I got out and it still wasn't finished. So an hour after I'd started cooking, I'd finally finished the "30 Minute Meal" (Rachael Ray, you can kiss my big fat butt). I delivered Jon's dinner to him and then sat down and tried to eat mine, but Ian would. not. shut. up. He just cried and cried. I finally just picked him up, sat down, and bawled right along with him. I'd had it.

Finally Jon came and took Ian so that I could go pump. Then he let me eat my dinner (which was not good - again with the butt-kissing, if you please, Ms. Rachael). The crisis was averted, and Ian and I both crashed by 9 pm.

So I slept from 9 pm until 6 am and I am still a zombie today. I just can't get any rest.

When I do sleep, I have these horrible nightmares. About Jon leaving me for some other chippie who cleans his house and cooks good dinners, or someone's keeping me from my baby. Or, much much worse, are the nightmares about someone hurting or killing my baby. There's lots of blood and it's just the most awful thing. I wake up crying a lot of the time.

Because I've been so tired, my milk supply is starting to go down. Last weekend, I pumped every 2 hours to try to get it to kick back into overdrive, but it didn't work. I'm taking these nasty Fenugreek pills that taste like maple syrup. They don't help.

And then when I try to talk about it to other BFing or pumping women, I get the lecture about how I could do X or take Y supplement and get my supply back up. Listen, people! If I thought those things would work, I would do them! I've reluctantly decided to start supplementing with formula, and it was a difficult decision because I wanted to exclusively BF until at least 6 months. It kills me that I can't.

And the final topper is my horrid coworker who's being a huge butt. She runs hot and cold and one minute she's talking to me and laughing, and the next minute she's glaring at me, slamming her keyboard around and throwing papers, and ignoring me when I speak. She complained that I didn't have enough to do (I'm not sure why that's her business) and told me I'd better ask the manager for more work. Which I did (again), to keep her happy. Then the manager took one of her things to give to me, and she pitched a hairy cat fit about that. You can't win with this woman. Jon thinks she's menopausal. Hmm a PPD new mother and a menopausal witch in the same small office? Recipe for disaster, if you ask me (hopefully not a 30 Minute Meal. God, I hate Rachael Ray).

Ian's 3 month Pictures

Here is a slideshow that contains the pictures we took of Ian on his 3 month birthday. The first dozen or so - the really good ones - were taken by our good friend Emily. Thanks, Aunt Emily! The rest were taken by us.

http://s274.photobucket.com/albums/jj257/Spainey/?action=view&current=aa2980dd.pbw

We got some really good ones!

Developmental milestones as Ian approaches 4 months old: he is rolling over quite often now, although Jon has yet to see it. He hasn't laughed yet, but we think he'll be doing it any day now. We can't wait! He can be pulled up by his arms, and supports himself well on his elbows, as you'll see in some of the pics. He can swat and grab toys in front of him, too.

Our little man is growing up! *sniff*

How much I love my kid

Here's a scrapbook page that I recently did:

I really need to get back on the ball with my digital scrapbooking.

Anyway, I was thinking about what to write in this blog. I couldn't think of anything except what a fabulous kiddo Ian is.

Seriously. I mean, there's problem babies out there. Last night, I was at Mommy group and there was a poor lady with twins, about Ian's age. She'd put one down in order to pick up the other, and the one on the floor would immediately start crying. The poor thing didn't even know how long it had been since they last ate - she'd lost all track of time whatsoever.

So I'm counting my blessings.

Ian started sleeping for 5-6 hours a night at 5 1/2 weeks. He started sleeping 8-9 hours at 7 weeks. That's really remarkable for a baby his age. He consistently sleeps from 8 pm until 6-6:30 am every single day. I can't remember the last time he woke up during the night and needed me - must have been between 5 1/2 weeks and 7 weeks.

He also hasn't had a mess in his diapers during the night since the 7 week mark. He hardly ever poops while he's sleeping (maybe he thinks it's uncivilized? ;P) He never pees too much for the diaper to handle. I wake him up and he kept it all contained throughout the night; we just change the didie and go.

What a great kid I have! And yes, I know that if we have another, the chances of him/her being such a good sleeper are slim to none.

He's still feeling poorly today - the coughing continues. I took him to see the doctor
on Tuesday because of the coughing. He listened to Ian's chest and said everything sounds "perfect." So we think he's got sinus drainage down the back of his throat, because I've got it too. Poor little guy - he coughs and sneezes all night long. We're giving him some Benadryl at night to help him sleep.

Funny story about the Benadryl - the doctor told me "half a teaspoon" of Benadryl. Then I asked about teething pain, and he said "point eight mL of Tylenol" for that. Well, I got the explanations mixed up in my head, and gave Ian point eight mL of Benadryl. When I realized, I freaked the heck out. Crying, hysterics, the works. I called the doctor's office in a panic, and the nurse said I gave him "a little too much." But she said all that would happen is that he'd sleep really well, which he did.

But then when we got home, Jon did a test with an actual half-teaspoon measuring spoon, and we realized that a half a teaspoon is more like 2.5 mL. So I didn't overdose him at all! WTF was that nurse thinking?!? She's smoking something (and not sharing).

So that was a bit of a relief to realize I didn't almost kill my kid.

Mommyhood = fabulousness one minute, hysterics the next.